請問我這個英文自我介紹還有什麼需要改的地方嗎，例如文法還是傳達上有什麼不妥的呢

貞董

Hello every one.My name is Carl.I was born on june 17, 1993. I am 24 years old.I am a student of Kaohsiung University of Applied college.There
are 4 people in my family, including my father, my mother, my sister, and me.My favorite person is Michael Phelps.Because of his swimming skills.My hobbies are watching movies and playing computer and swimming in free time.
I like swimming because I think swimming can eliminate some of our stress on life and can relax our body.I'm a lively, optimistic, and easy-going person.I have been a sordier for five years.The nature is about repairing the plane.On the job, I can meet many people, and I have made a lot of friends.My future goal is to learn to invest in financial management, to make their own income increase, so that my future quality of life better, and hope to learn the second language, it can let me use in the abroad.This is myself introduction. Does anybody have a question？Thank you for your attention.
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礁溪伊莉

最好,
不要連自己就讀的"學校",
都講錯吧~.....

高應大,
全名, 是"國立高雄應用科技大學",
英文, 是"National Kaohsiung University of Applied Sciences"

您寫的"Kaohsiung University of Applied college",
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貞董

礁溪伊莉 發表於 2017-11-3 09:05 PM

下載: 訪客無法瀏覽下載點，請先 註冊 或 登入會員

最好,
不要連自己就讀的"學校",
都講錯吧~.....

...

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gckhai

稍微包括錯字，也語法上不通順，一點點修改

Good Morning every one, My name is Carl.
（不要只是說 Hello, 明確的打招呼表示）

I am 24 years old, born on 17 June, 1993.
（句子的表達，要知道你要表達的重點是什麼，前後要有順序）

I am a student from Kaohsiung University of Applied college.
(也可以說：I am now studying in Kaohsiung University of Applied College.）

There are 4 peoples in my family, my father, mother, sister, and me.
（不需要重複太多 my）

My hobbies are watching movies, playing computer, and I like swimming in the free time.My favourite person is Michael Phelps because of his excellent swimming skills.
（句子要有關聯，預期一開始先說你喜歡的人是 Michael，不如接在提到你喜歡游泳后再說。）

I like swimming because it can eliminate the stress on life and can relax our body.
（口語上不要太多重複的贅字）

I'm a lively, optimistic, and easy-going person.

I had been a soldier for five years, the main role is about repairing the plane.

During the job, I met many peoples and made a lot of friends.
（這是已經發生的事，不需要再說 “I can"）

My goal is to learn about invest in financial management, to increase their own incomes and improve the quality of life in future.I also hope to learn second language which can use in abroad. This is the introduction about myself. Does anybody have a question？Thank you for your attention.
（Goal 本身已經代表未來的目標，不需要再加上 Future）


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jalingon3011

Hello everyone, my name is Carl. I was born on June 17, 1993. I am a 24 years old student in National Kaohsiung University of Applied Sciences. I have a family of 4 with my parents and my sister. I like Michael Phelps for his swimming skills. My hobbies include watching movies, playing computer and swimming.

I like swimming because it relieves my stress and relaxes my body. I am a lively, optimistic and easy-going person who have been a soldier for five years doing aircraft maintenance, which I have met many people and made a lot of friends. My future goal is to improve my income and quality of life by learning financial management and investments. I also hope to learn a second language which can be useful in overseas.

And that's myself introduction. Is there any questions? Thank you for your time.
...

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貴族羅蘭

我只說一句 因為我只看到那 Because of + 名詞 不能單獨成句